threads...

i sometimes don't write. i try and add up the events of the day and, often, when they don't add up to some measurable sum, some noticeable thread, i discard the day as not worth blogging about.

i am wrong. yet, you know how i love to spin the events and stories like they are all independent, and then in a moments notice, at the end, tie them all up with a succinct finish, leaving you to ponder the paths and intersections of life.

threads. i'm obsessed with them. how does it all connect? life has to be more than just events in a line. there must be deeper meaning that connects them all. personality, often is the common piece, as we (i) look at the world. perhaps, it's the liberal arts education in me, striving toward interdisciplinary thought and understanding.

i think i might fear being that person that just lives. that just reacts to life. instead of seeing life for as it really is. or working hard on not making the same mistakes twice. or trying to see god's plan in all of this. or hoping that my views and commentary on the subjects will somehow show me my indelible mark that i have left and then accidentally (not accidentally) i will become the common thread in it all.

i told myself i was just going to write down the events of the day (last few days) and not try and tie it all up. i told myself, just tell the story and let it speak for itself. i thought i would allow the tie, the thread to just find itself without my unnecessary help. i guess i couldn't help myself but comment on the commentary. how meta-conversational of myself. upper-echelon thinking or narcissism, you decide.

i think that i'll just lay it out. just explain some highlights as they happened. no commentary.

- built and destructed a ziggurat in a weekend's time.
- enjoyed the ephemeral irony of sharpie tattoos on my arm, courtesy of a angel of redemption history iii.
- offered help and food to a hitch-hiker, but it wasn't quite the way he wanted it (i guess beggars can be choosers).
- ate some chocolate cookies, and liked them a lot. (very, very abnormal for me).
- began planning my summer traveling.
- told myself i was going to write more.

where's the thread? you tell me. i just keep writing and see where we go...

two lives, one future.

drove today. trekked back to SB for the weekend. a show is being put on by my friend Zak and he has called in the winds from the four corners. it feels good to be part of a larger whole. working toward a greater good. in this piece, as we worked today, it really did seem like the the big picture really was going to be greater than the sum of all of us. Redemption History III. kind of amazed that it's actually happening. feels like not that long ago when he was hatching this scheme and pulling me in and along. (i just turned out to be a willing abettor in this three part, three year saga.)

i'm feeling somehow behind in the midst of all this life. feeling like there's always more to do than the hours in the day permit. funny how that is. life has taken over again, and i've forgotten to stop for minutes here and there. i tell myself every so often, (usually when i've escaped the world for short time and really find the peace, the center, my center) that i'm not going to let life get to me. that i'm somehow going to be different and take time for all those things. all those goals, projects, dreams. but, slow and pervasive, the hectic nature of things, creeps. fills the nooks and crannies of my time. saps my energy. wake, eat, work, shower, eat, sit down. all of the sudden, the night is pressing in, my bed is calling, and my leaded-eyes are fighting me.

but oh, the summer. how the summer months have always been my reprieve. pack the car, test the wind, kick the tires. the carefree life of the open road, though inherently irresponsible and destined to be a young man's memory, always has that knack for giving me the perspective that i need.

(strange. it seems like i've been posting a lot lately about the ideas of home. essentially the permanence of home, and my own ideas of settling. but here i am, how naturally it feels to pen these thoughts, back at the musings on the road-life. some things, i think, will always bleed through, no matter how you may distill a man.)

this summer, as i have said, will be different. not different like all the others have been different from themselves. but different in a way that i cannot understand until i live it out. this summer, both a figurative and literal time, is the fusing of two existences. back on the road, but taking my girl (who so much of my ideas of home are wrapped up in) along with me. carefree lifestyle, but ostensible thoughts of the future. where i've come from, where i'm going.

i have to say, that truly, this adventure gets better and better each day. there's a cool breeze blowing north, the big sky is beckoning. there's a beautiful girl in a sun-dress sitting in the passenger set, big sunglasses and sun-blonde hair. if you want to find me, i'll have the window down and a big smile on my face...

another day covered in sawdust...

just another monday. except there was biscuits and gravy for breakfast this morn. that was nice.

i find that i no more want to get out of bed on a monday morning than the next guy. but truthfully, i value the time before the 'day' begins. breakfast. newspaper and/or book. coffee. a few moments before the wheels touch down and the world starts spinning. i think that I might need those precious minutes even more on a monday than any of the other days.

working on the family home. the Conrad house. 14 Robinhood Drive. managed to get covered in sawdust, dirt, paint, mortar, and various chemicals today. *sigh. (note: do not get wood bleach on your hands, fingers, or any thing else. it burns. BURNS. and should only be used on helpless wood. acutally, i take that back. do not even buy the stuff. if you need to bleach some wood, well, you're out of luck.)

i like working with my father. it reminds me that i don't always need to work so fast. and reminds me that working, with the right people, doesn't have to feel like work. and that working towards a goal that you own, makes a day's labor sink into your bones, creating that happy-worn-out-bliss that puts an almost sedated smile on your face when you finally sit down at night.

there was talk of building future houses and homes. i spark at the dreams of homesteading (or at least the modern version of it). i hope to draw friends and family around and lay many a hand on my future home. i can only hope to live a long and full life in that place. see my children grown, and watch them as they embark on their own journeys. i can only hope to love one place as much as i have seen my family love and care for this place i've called home.

the time draws ever closer when we all will leave this house for good. returning only to drive by, nostalgia tears held back. as we prepare the house for it's next life, i steal quiet times to dream big-future dreams.

caught between

so. some good news on the 'future-home-front'.

as you may or may not know, i am on the move. some of you may say that's my natural state, but i beg a re-examination. just perhaps, i have been on the move, road-weary, in an attempt to find a harmony, to find a home. (see previous posts...hehe) perhaps, i didn't know how to do anything else until recently. no matter. i digress...

my recent exit from sunny santa barbara has begun the Great Journey of '08. a change in life and in locale. I will take the next 6 months, as of today, to circuitously traverse the road to my new and future home, Nashville. long before i pack all i own in 'crushed velvet', my new and more trusty steed, i will be spending the summer months, more or less, in my original stomping ground, marin county, and my quaint hometown novato. not to say i won't be visiting places new and old, unfamiliar and be-loved.

for now, the house i grew up in, the house my father built, the house on robinhood drive, will be my place to launch from and take respite in.

i will be heading back to the promised land: montana. i will be seeking new memories on the high mesas of hopiland, az. i will hike the golden state lands, from whence i came, in hopes i can capture it before i leave it. and as planned, i am hoping to do this all with my lovely lady.

i thought that this summer was going to be different than the last three. summers '05, '06, '07: journeys of the formation of self. i thought that this fated summer '08 would be a pale comparison. but as i write, i realize that i could have not been more wrong. yes, life has turned out to be quite wonderful.

so. about that news i spoke about. well, news of a design/fabrication firm in Nashville has found it's way to my ears. a place where the blue and white collar meet. where the artistic mind is found in league with the tradesmen's hands. perhaps, it is a place where i might find a home. we'll see.

my friends. i am straining, but in all this talk of journeys, i see a fate unfolding. i seek the strength to continue to trust and press on. and i pray that i have the ability to tell this story well...