bury my heart in the northwest....

i am somewhere caught. caught between worlds. between thoughts. this trip, i'm realizing, is magnifying my increasing tenuous place in life. i am found, lying on the ground, between satisfaction and anxiety.

i spent friday with a dear friend in portland. we parused Powells. a portland-bibliophile's absolute must. didn't buy anyting, surprisingly. s'ok. don't really have the money to spend, and i brought like 5 books that i haven't read. we sipped pressed java. french pressed coffee is somehow superior. we smoked and squinted in the sun. we fed our parking meters. though, we looked, no deli could be found. settled for pub food and a pint. took a picture of the sun, the trees, and the bricks. talked about the future. said wonderfully awkward, prolonged goodbyes.

when i got to my sister's, my brother-in-law, patrick asked me what i wanted to do while i was here. didn't know what to say. what do you do on a trip with no plans or schedules. let the things happen to you, i guess. met up later with friends to BBQ and tip back more than my fair share of beer. laughed. appreciated good company. made a fire in the back yard. appreciated good fire. happily sucked on beer number 6 or 7. appreciated good beer.

woke up early today with a response to the previously unanswered question. appreciate. that's what i want to be doing while i'm 'here'. and all the other stops along the road. which brings me back to my initial problem.

i think on the future. distant and near. i wonder what i'm doing, and how long i can keep it up. i wonder what the next chapter looks like. or if there are even chapters at all.

there is a wolf inside me that is hungry with wanderlust. i stave him off for months, and feed him in the summers. today he is satisfied. i wonder about tomorrow.

oh, and though it's been hot here, it rained this eve. i guess it would be Seattle if it didn't.

tomorrow, i'm going to find a oil lantern. and go to a history museum. mmm, i love history.